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8/20/14

Hmmmmmm.
Email to therapist:
It’s like not shooting up, starving, having random sex, not shopping, being judgemental and cutting life seems so blah. I wonder if I’m just to be that way. No extreme highs or lows missing it.
You know? I guess it’s a adjustment. And getting out of my head and helping people is boring. I can’t relate. Maybe I need to go to L.A. or N.Y.C. and be QUEER. Doing gay porn seems so much more exciting. LOL.

August 18, 2014

I am grateful to G*D for allowing me to be sober and enjoy Happy Hour at Dunkin Donuts iced coffee any size .99 cents.

I ain’t saying nothing I just hit play.

Depeche Mode - Blasphemous Rumours (Lyrics): http://youtu.be/LWA6QPXI6AI

July 18, 2014

Email to therapist:

Black & White with No 69 Shades of Gray.

So I ignored doc all day today. We hung out yesterday but the more he does for me the more anxiety I get and my mind races. I volunteered today and may go in over the weekend. I don’t understand honestly gray. I ate but I feel “love sick” so can’t eat too much. Bye the way when are we going to continue with trauma work? Things pop up in life but I’m sitting in Starbucks trying to talk to people but my mind is with him. Do you promise I will ever find someone to love me? It’s so scary doc. I have plenty of friends who would “ride or die” translation for your southern self love are kind and support me. You, psych doc, Melissa, Dbt therapist and Wallach included. I just don’t have someone to take care of me to love me say it’s going to be ok. What is that with sex? I don’t even know that. So I get anxious and cry. If I had sex I felt I was loved. U know???

July 17 2014
Email from therapist:

Didn’t know what to say upon my first reading of this message. I am glad you told me you were angry, but I am also glad that you are at least considering trying to be a more honest and less manipulative person. I know that it will be hard to be this new way and very tempting to go back to your old self, especially as the anxiety mounts or you start feeling more lonely. However, I believe these changes will pay off in the long run. You are free to make whatever choices you want to make. I just ask that you slow down, consider the consequences of your actions and words and then make decisions that will likely benefit you in both the short and long run.

July 16 2014

Email to therapist from psycho bitch Reza Reza

So doc…
After I told you my plan I felt shame that I would manipulate some like that.
And I have never been that honest with any therapist because fear of judgment.
I know you don’t judge me but I felt shame non the less.
Then I felt anger towards you because you disapproved of my plan. So I went to the volunteer job and two large people got in elevator and it stopped on another floor and I said there was no more room probably making them feel self concious. And the people still came in and i made noises all the way up. Then one of the nurses wanted me to run down and get her a soda and I said diet is probably better for you and played it off as a joke but I feel she thought so that it was a joke but I know it made her feel bad because she said ok diet coke. I got it and she did not drink it. So I felt happy because you did not enable or sign off on my brilliant plan and i had control and got angry at you so did not eat lunch. Then I felt guilty cause I made the two ladies in elevator and nurse feel bad. But when I did it I couldn’t control the feeling of you making me responsible for my actions. Then I tried to be nice to everyone.
Then the doc/ boy texted me and asked when I was coming home. So my brain went into “extremely irrational thinking”.
See Dr. L was wrong he wants me to come home. He loves me. I replied 3 pm. Then as I sit in Starbucks pissed at you and feeling shame and guilt for being an a×× and for being mad at you. Again my brain is still all over the place so had my dad drop me off at Starbucks. Now as I sit here eating a panini I have my glasses on and crying because do I love him or do o love his veins. Addicts love veins too and he has perfect veins. I know come home from him may mean if I am coming back to my home. Yet my other brain is like it’s a sign from g*d to get close to him and obviously boy is Co dependant
Now after eating I feel like purging because I feel shame and guilt and dirty. I won’t because I am emailing you but I’m upset that you didn’t allow me to go through with my plans and then I know how could you because I want to get better. But after reading this email you will tell me to stop. And take a breath but I feel like I am having a panic attack because I want to go home to dr. but I don’t want you to be disappointed. So I sit here feeling like I am going to die, purging to feel clean and ashamed and doubtful why I was honest with you before my plan was in place then after the hickey I would tell you. Ok. I’m going to breathe and have a fruit. Am I totally crazy, will anyone ever love me?
Any input would be appreciated but initially I will be pissed and make this fat cow who is sitting in front of me and tell her the amount of fat in her drink she had two. Then I go back on cycle. When does my brain stop…? Now I’m going to fuck everyone at Starbucks to piss you off.

Reza

July 12 5:38

THIS POST IS NOT FOR MINORS….
THIS POST IS NOT FOR MINORS….
THIS POST IS NOT FOR MINORS….

I am so exhausted from my therapy.
So early real early last thoughts.

The Penis is not connected to the heart.
Giving a guy head does not translate into love.
I can have sex with a guy and in my mind think we will live happily ever after. Why because of sexual trauma. I wish more people would share. I went my whole life thinking giving head (extremely amazing head) meant the receiver was in love with me.
This goes for guys to eating me out doesn’t mean I love you.
We as humans cannot grasp the karma sutra.
When you are as unhealthy as I am keep your mouth shut. You will be hurt. When you have sex it should come from the soul. Your inner being. I have lost myself too many times thinking the guy could reciprocite what I offered.
.
NO HE WANTED TO BUST A NUT..I lacked love so I sought it from where I could. But that is not love. ..true love comes when you wait and let things happen gradually. Just cause you don’t gag doesn’t mean he loves you…

"HONESTY ONLY FROM A NEW YORKER KIDDIES ONLY FROM A NEW YORKER. "

Salt-N-Pepa - Let’s Talk About Sex: http://youtu.be/ydrtF45-y-g

I am drained after my session so all I say is:

The Penis is not connected to the soul.
I deserve real love.
I pray for each of you.
I love you all and I am so exhausted so like I say,
Angels On Your Pillow.

6/25/14

So my sister is not supportive of my recovery. 
She has stressed because of her husband’s religious views her children would disown me if I said I was gay.

My Response:

sometimes you want a taco.
sometimes you want a hotdog.

6/25/14

So my sister is not supportive of my recovery.
She has stressed because of her husband’s religious views her children would disown me if I said I was gay.

My Response:

sometimes you want a taco.
sometimes you want a hotdog.

Mandy was extremely helpful.

My issues:

Patti has  to reapply for her job. She is under stress.
The financial people who help with aid have to do the something.

The student who was in charge of the orientation was overweight and did not have a work ethic.

Patti is over weight.

As is Anthony who will guide me to a bsw..
I called GRU to get my email set up and the person was munching on food.

My mind goes to fat lazy slobs.

Mandy is thin she is competent.
If I eat I will become like them.

So I feel I am entitled to only have thin people in my recovery.

Fat = lazy.

Why do I still feel this way?

My answer fat people are not dependable.
I want Mandy to handle everything.

Entiietilelement?

I also wanna see the professors so I can pass based upon n their sexual indiscretions.

So I tell u my thoughts. I got a flirt or three and I don’t wanna go to school to get a degreee but to beloved.

OK.

R
Sent from Yahoo Mail on Android

Mandy was extremely helpful.

My issues:

Patti has  to reapply for her job. She is under stress.
The financial people who help with aid have to do the something.

The student who was in charge of the orientation was overweight and did not have a work ethic.

Patti is over weight.

As is Anthony who will guide me to a bsw..
I called GRU to get my email set up and the person was munching on food.

My mind goes to fat lazy slobs.

Mandy is thin she is competent.
If I eat I will become like them.

So I feel I am entitled to only have thin people in my recovery.

Fat = lazy.

Why do I still feel this way?

My answer fat people are not dependable.
I want Mandy to handle everything.

Entiietilelement?

I also wanna see the professors so I can pass based upon n their sexual indiscretions.

So I tell u my thoughts. I got a flirt or three and I don’t wanna go to school to get a degreee but to beloved.

OK.

R
Sent from Yahoo Mail on Android

Friday the 13th

It is Friday the 13th and a full moon.

I hurt a friend last week.

 My stomach is empty and asks forgiveness.  

My face is beauty but if exposed I chant and the inner becomes the outer see. 

I hurt a friend last week.

Center (Earth Mother):  Gabriel, Gabriel, Gabriel, Angel of Life, enter my limbs and give strength to my whole body……………………

West (element of Earth):  Michael, Michael, Michael, Angel of Earth, enter my generative organs and regenerate my whole body …………………..

North (element of Air):  Amael, Amael, Amael, Angel of Air, enter my lungs and give the air of life to my whole body………………….

East (element of Fire):  Raphael, Raphael, Raphael, Angel of the Sun, enter my solar center, and give the fire of life to my whole body…………………

South (element of Water):  Sachiel, Sachiel, Sachiel, Angel of Water, enter my blood and give the water of life to my whole body.    
Angel of Power, Angel of Power, Angel of Power, descend upon my acting body and direct all my acts … …

Angel of Love, Angel of Love, Angel of Love, descend upon my feeling body and purify all my feelings … …

Angel of Wisdom, Angel of Wisdom, Angel of Wisdom, descend upon my thinking body and enlighten all my thoughts . .  … .

Angel of Creative Work,  Angel of Creative Work, Angel of Creative Work, descend upon humanity and give abundance to all men and women … …

Angel of Peace,  Angel of Peace, Angel of Peace, descend upon me and give Eternal Life to my spirit … …

I hurt a friend last week.

Friday the 13th

It is Friday the 13th and a full moon.

I hurt a friend last week.

My stomach is empty and asks forgiveness.

My face is beauty but if exposed I chant and the inner becomes the outer see.

I hurt a friend last week.

Center (Earth Mother): Gabriel, Gabriel, Gabriel, Angel of Life, enter my limbs and give strength to my whole body……………………

West (element of Earth): Michael, Michael, Michael, Angel of Earth, enter my generative organs and regenerate my whole body …………………..

North (element of Air): Amael, Amael, Amael, Angel of Air, enter my lungs and give the air of life to my whole body………………….

East (element of Fire): Raphael, Raphael, Raphael, Angel of the Sun, enter my solar center, and give the fire of life to my whole body…………………

South (element of Water): Sachiel, Sachiel, Sachiel, Angel of Water, enter my blood and give the water of life to my whole body.

Angel of Power, Angel of Power, Angel of Power, descend upon my acting body and direct all my acts … …

Angel of Love, Angel of Love, Angel of Love, descend upon my feeling body and purify all my feelings … …

Angel of Wisdom, Angel of Wisdom, Angel of Wisdom, descend upon my thinking body and enlighten all my thoughts . . … .

Angel of Creative Work, Angel of Creative Work, Angel of Creative Work, descend upon humanity and give abundance to all men and women … …

Angel of Peace, Angel of Peace, Angel of Peace, descend upon me and give Eternal Life to my spirit … …

I hurt a friend last week.

So…I think I need to get back on my bipolar meds cause I am being EVIL.
xo
Angels on your pillow.

So…I think I need to get back on my bipolar meds cause I am being EVIL.
xo
Angels on your pillow.